London lockdown lows

Trying to figure out why I am suffering from lockdown lows

At the end of five weeks of lockdown, I think this has been my worst week yet.  I am trying very hard to tap into my feelings and having given the matter further thought, I think that there are lots of reasons  – but I don’t want this post to be too long.  In order to complete and publish this post, I will just pick out a handful as follows:

Fluctuating weight

Being on lockdown has given me more time to work on my fitness and yet my weight keeps fluctuating.  Having celebrated losing 4 lbs last week, this week my weight has fluctuated upwards continually and at one point I weighed 152 lbs.  I know that some of this is hormonal but with the lockdown, in place, I have no way of verifying things by visiting my GP or any other healthcare professional.  I think it is hormonal because I have had terrible stomach upsets in the last couple of weeks.  However, like lots of other Brits, I don’t want to visit my GP or hospital during the pandemic.  Actually, now that I think about it, I might telephone my GP surgery and see if they can help me without me having to visit in person. In the meantime,  I have tweaked and changed my diet as much as possible and will continue to do so until my stomach settles.

Disappointment with my exercise intensity 

I am doing well following Odell & Nassim Lewis’ Zoom exercise classes.  I am enjoying them and love how my body is toning up.  However, to push on with my weight loss I need to go back to doing cardio work on my own.  So far, I have not been able to do this.  My routine has been all over the place and often, I have days when I do not make it out of my home for the hour of exercise that we are allowed to have under lockdown.

Struggling with my role as a strong black woman

Whenever I have expressed myself honestly to friends and family that I might be having a wobble, I am often told that I am a strong woman, so I will pull through.  They are not wrong and I am strong.  I have had no choice in my life and have had to be strong to survive.  However, I often feel that there are lots of people who are ready to abuse this so-called strength.   Abusive people will remind you of your strength in times of difficulty and absolve themselves of any need to be there for you whether with a kind word or cuddle (obviously a virtual one because of covid19). When these abusive individuals find themselves in difficulty, they can then rely on me because I can help – after all, I am a strong black woman. It is always a one way street with the so-called strong person giving and the so-called weak person taking.

Everyone one knows about the strong black woman.  She is also sometimes called the angry black woman.  She is out there dressed in her cape and taking on the world.  She is the strong single black matriarch.  She is overlooked for the most part in life generally and left to fight her own battles by herself.  I have found to my cost that being perceived as a strong woman is also terrible for one’s love life.  There are lots of men out there who are looking for a strong woman to use and abuse as a mule.  This type of man is a user through and through. I cannot emphasise this enough.  No amount of love and support that you give to him will ever be reciprocated. A strong black woman exists solely for this person to consume mercilessly.  Being seen as a strong black woman is a magnet for weak parasitic men.  If like me, you prefer to exist within your feminine energy this is a disaster.  Avoiding weak and parasitic people, especially men is exhausting in this time of the covid19 pandemic.

Disappointment that I am not doing better during the lockdown

I have so much work to do for my firm and trying to do it from home during the lockdown has been really difficult.  We had a fire in my office on 5 November 2018 and I poured all my time and energy into getting our office back up and running.  So much so that I neglected my home.  As a result, I am in lockdown in a home with substantial disrepair.  If I did not have to worry about work, I would have purchased as much as I could online such as paint and plants and launched into a massive DIY drive but I have to prioritise work.  It is a sensible thing to do.  I am however extremely frustrated and if I don’t get a grip, I will end up achieving nothing by the end of the lockdown.

I am conflicted about this concept of achieving.  To emerge from lockdown with one’s health intact will be a major achievement in itself.  This is not the time to be worried or concerned about ticking off lists of achievements and yet I feel this unrelenting pressure to be productive and have something to show for the time that I have been under lockdown.

As I mentioned at the start of this blog, this list is not exhaustive.  I have more issues to work through, but hopefully, this gives you some idea about how I am feeling.

What I weigh this week

I weighed 143 lbs last week and only had 5 lbs to go to lose all my lockdown weight.  I got so upset with my fluctuating weight this week that I decided to avoid the scales for my own sanity. I have decided to give the scale a miss this week.